Fat To Fab Journal: Staying on track is frickin' hard

Fat To Fab Journal: Staying on track is frickin' hard: Ok, so I've missed a few days of journaling and honestly, I've fallen off my plan some. I'm still doing good with eating less ju...

Staying on track is frickin' hard

Ok, so I've missed a few days of journaling and honestly, I've fallen off my plan some. I'm still doing good with eating less junk and more of the healthy stuff. But I have been horrible with adding in exercise. 

I was really good for the first 2 days, but now I just don't want to. Even though I know I need to.

SO...how am I going to make this work for me? and how am I going to stay motivated?

There's not a magic answer to these questions. The only way to make this happen is to get off my fucking fat ass and make myself do it!

But what if I don't want to? Too bad
What if I don't feel good? too bad
What if I'm sore? too bad

I have to get up and force myself to put in the work. And you know what I've now discovered? I love the way I feel after I put in the work. Does that mean that this will ever get easier? NO! I'm always going to have days that I hate making myself do the work. I'm always going to have days that I want to devour the entire package of cookies and drink a 12 pack of pop. And I will have days that I will cave and not workout, not restrain from eating the junk. But I will not let myself be completely defeated. I will keep working on myself and after the days that I have let myself down, I will most likely cry in the shower. However, after a good cry, I will pull on my big girl panties and face myself in the mirror.

And I will do what I should have always been doing every day.

I will tell myself that I am enough and I am worthy. God has created me and with that knowledge, I know that I will keep fighting and keep moving forward to become the healthy and happy version of my that I have always been meant to be. After all, God didn't create me just for me to be a miserable, lazy person.

Day 2

OH MY GOSH!!!

I woke up this morning and felt amazing! I have a new outlook on life. I’m going to take control and no longer just be a fat disgusting lazy housewife! I have a purpose and I’m going to figure it out.

So for the first time in over a year, I stepped on a scale and holy shit!!!! 246 lbs!!! That’s more than I ever weighed when I was pregnant!!! My amazing feeling fell fast!

How the frick am I going to do this?! I need to lose 100lbs and I need to do it now.
But it didn’t come on over night, so it’s time to get real!

I’ve done diets before and lost 10-15 lbs fast, but I don’t want a quick fix. I want a lifestyle change so I’m never back here again!

It’s time to make a plan and I need to start small and see the small gains for what they are...steps to a better me that will last the rest of my life.

So, here’s the baby steps I’m taking today:

1. 15-20 minutes of working out
2. Drink more water
3. Eat fruits & veggies with every meal

Day 1

well, today I cried (I'm talking ugly, mascara running making me look like a St. Bernard cried) for over 5 hours of my day.

I cried when I was getting dressed, I cried when I realized that my underwear doesn't fit. Ladies if you've ever gained a significant amount of weight then you know what I'm talking about. You pull it up and your stomach pushes it down. It's so tight on your thighs that you want to cut the leg bands.

I cried looking in the mirror after my shower. I cried when I was tying my shoes because it dawned on me that I'm having more issues bending over to tie my shoes now than I ever did while pregnant.

WTF!!!! How did I let myself get to this point!!!!

I cried again on the drive to pick my kids up from practice and when I put on my makeup. You know, makeup used to always make me feel fresh and complete for the day. But now, no matter what contouring I do, my face is still fat. Not like chubby cheeks, round face, but just plain fat, double chins, chipmunk cheeks, fat!

Ugh, I have become so ashamed of how I look!

And at the end of the day I cried myself to sleep because I just couldn't stop crying even though I had had an epiphany on the drive home with the kids. I had looked at them and realized that all this feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to change anything. I needed to do something and I needed to do it now!

For myself and for my family!

My bedtime cry, though, was no longer one of self-pity like the rest of the day had been. Nope, it was a cry because I was excited, happy, and terrified for this new revelation in my life!

When did I let myself get so f*#%ing fat?!

If you came here looking for a feel-good blog about body image and weight loss, this may not be the one you want. If you want a brutally honest, real life, personal growth journey that happened to lead to weight loss and getting healthier, then this is definitely the blog for you. I will be posting daily about my journey...some days you'll get lucky, and I'll post more than once, lol!

First, let me tell you a little about myself. I’m 38-year-old a stay at home, home-schooling mom to 4 amazing kids. I’m married to my high school sweetheart. Those are the fun parts of my life. I love my husband and children and spending time with them. I love my church and community and being involved with both. What I have a tough time loving, though, is myself. When I look in the mirror, I want to cry because I am so unhappy with what I see. Somewhere in the past 15 years, I have completely let myself go. I am not just overweight; I’m obese.

I have made excuses about having kids ruining my body. I have let myself believe that because I can still be physically active, that I’m not in that bad of health. I read the articles on fat shaming and allow myself to believe that it is all true. We should let people be happy how they are. There is a different healthy for everyone. Be proud of yourself and love yourself. Well, I’m here to say that is all bull shit! At least for me. Yes, I need to love myself and be proud and healthy does look different on all of us. But that doesn’t mean that being obese is ever healthy. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, pre diabetic…none of that is healthy!

It was time for me to be honest with myself. I have gotten fat and not because of having kids or genetics (they may play a small role). No, I am fat and unhealthy because I have gotten lazy! Because I had gotten comfortable making plans to eat healthy and exercise, yet not actually do any of it. I had allowed myself to sit in front of the t.v. playing games on my phone and blame my physical health on all factors besides my own actions. It is time for me to hold myself responsible. Through out this blog, I will be writing posts about this journey of mine. So, welcome to my path from fat, lazy, depressed mom to happy, active, healthy, self-loving mom! I’m excited to share this with you all!